| back to the ideals and patterns of a lunatic |
[Nov. 9th, 2008|11:36 pm] |
so i've been thinking for sometime... how could.. why did... how am i supposed to.... ahhhhhh
basically, im stuck.
so life throws you curves, and loops, and halts, and ups, and detours, and most definitely downs... how great. eventually you buy into the scheme that seems to be "life" and no longer seek the things that really move you. the one thing you held closest, flies away.. far far away and never looks back... or looks back but wont let you know that. either way, it doesnt matter. you know what you need to do, but your frail. weak. the one thing vowed to never become has now enveloped you and has become. love is a fleeting feel that once was so familiar, or so you thought. everything is cold. everything is so cold.
have you ever thought of ruining someone's life?.. i mean, really dwelt on it?? it's never made sense to me, but it's starting to grow. why not end the pain of your reality? why not? because we never know what's next. the next card played could be the make or break. you'll never know. quitters cant be winners, but losers can be winners. life is waiting for me to give up and start my miserable trek to the grave.... im not ready for that.. even when i throw myself upon the rock, i still have one hand ready to fight back. im stubborn? misled? a warrior, broken and bruised..? yes, definitely broken. broken and aching.. constant struggle against emotions and feelings of an off beat heart.
God pull me back into union with You. erase my past and bring me to where you are. all i need, all i want, all of me, has to be Your's. take it all away. put a violent end to my desires. break me.
oh God spare Your judgement on me.. for i am vile and without cause, if not for You. |
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| haha i just read a post from last.. march? i think |
[Aug. 19th, 2008|07:18 pm] |
and i feel SO much better! hahaha
depression is a disease and im not giving in. UNIVERSAL on saturday! who's in?!... lol like i have a lot of friends added to this lj anyways, haha... wow
i'll be happy n matter what. eat it. |
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| first entry in 59 weeks... |
[Aug. 19th, 2008|06:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | trapped in my mind | ] |
| [ | mood |
| |  aggravated | ] |
| [ | music |
| | damien rice, now explosions in the sky | ] |
or at least that's what lj says..
whatever.
today is different. i havent quite felt this way in a long time.. it's probably just a fleeting feeling. no, it's not, it's a constant oppression that is suppressed now and again. listening to damien rice probably doesnt help ha.
so im going to start training in mma. i need to do something productive and i think i'm going to be really natural at muay thai and brazilian jiu jitsu. so here i am.. on to the next feat.........
and i still cant forget you.
awesome... :[ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2007|10:18 pm] |
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i need a better way to vent. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 14th, 2007|10:57 pm] |
met·a·mor·pho·sis (mĕt'ə-môr'fə-sĭs)
n., pl. -ses (-sēz'). A transformation, as by magic or sorcery.- A marked change in appearance, character, condition, or function.
Biology. A change in the form and often habits of an animal during normal development after the embryonic stage. Metamorphosis includes, in insects, the transformation of a maggot into an adult fly and a caterpillar into a butterfly and, in amphibians, the changing of a tadpole into a frog.- Pathology. A usually degenerative change in the structure of a particular body tissue.
normally an insect goes through this process once in it's lifetime... i seem to participate in this phenomenon daily. |
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| Fall on your knees and know that He is the Lord! |
[Mar. 22nd, 2007|05:58 am] |
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For all of my short comings and wrong doings, I pray for Your forgiveness. For every time I heard Your call, and turned my back, I thank You for Your undying mercy. For all You've done for me, I lift my voice and I'll sing to You until my days are up. For every breath, I know, is from You. Forever, be on the foreground of my mind. Let me not fall by the wayside, but let me be glad when I put my feet to walk the path You have paved for me. Let me not get caught up in a world full of false hope and ignorance of Your great name, that is above and beyond all of which we understand. For I am unworthy and counted for as lowly, in all I have done against You. I have made You an inactive religion and have questioned Your ways. I have spoke with my tongue, as a double-edged sword, and have cut down those around me. I have trusted in my own strength and have been crushed by my adversaries. It has been a never ending struggle between not only what is right and wrong, but what is selfish and what is selfless. But You have made a way where there has been no other! You have shined a light in the darkness of my soul! You have reached down when I had been utterly destroyed and You placed hope and a new desire for Your Word, in my heart. I have been accounted for as an heir of God Almighty, Creator of All, and Savior to those who accept. I willingly take up my cross and follow after You. For all that You've done for me, it is the very least I can do! I will seek You in the morning and I will choose to walk in Your ways. God, strengthen my heart and bind my will to Your Word so that I might not fail You. I will gladly give my life for the cause of Christ, Your Son, and I will believe what Your Word says so I that I may rest with You eternally. I give You all of my praise and worship, let every good and just and right thing be given to glory for Your Name! Your Word gives life and Your mercies are new every morning, blessed be Your name through out all generations, Amen. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 25th, 2006|01:09 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | if you're offended by anything | ] |
| [ | music |
| | i write, un-add/dont read this, you dont see the big picture | ] |
i've learned that when life seems up, hold on tight and get ready for the shit to hit.. because it will, and it does, and it did. i keep telling myself it'll be okay, and then i open my eyes and fall back down to the rock i was lifeless on 5 minutes before. i just want to scream, but that doesnt solve anything. nothing solves anything. only one thing, but right now i feel distant from the answer. sucks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 19th, 2006|08:39 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | if you only knew of the commotion in my head... | ] |
the weight changes, priorities shift, people move, or they die, or they change into someone you can't relate to anymore, people's hearts break, depression runs some, fear steers others, pride drives the successful mad, music moves those who have explored somewhat of their innermost feelings, some try to help people, others try to hurt... most of what i wrote brings pain. all of those actions were first motivated by trying to find a way to be happy or comfortable and they are driven into some of those things i listed.
why is it that when someone forsakes all they have and all of what they are, that the seemingly small things hurt just as much if not more than some of the more tragic cases. there is always a deep longing to find love in all of our souls and if we can humble ourselves and bring ourselves off of the platform we feel we need to fit on, then we can find freedom. if we seek knowledge, it will be at our fingertips. if we actually took time and numbered our days, apposed to trying to speed to the end with whatever it may be that satisfies you temporarily: friends, drugs, music, fashion, art, vanity, sex, desires, or all of the above + a million more i don't feel like writing at the moment... then maybe we could open our eyes to the bigger picture, a new understanding of life and what it is meant to be, instead of leeching to a trend or a fading hobby.
"do whatever feels right in your heart..." is that a true statement? i mean, should i really do whatever my heart thinks is right?.. if it was my original nature, my selfish desires that formerly consumed my being, then no. however, i have been reborn, i am a new creation. my motives have changed. i will not always be right and i will struggle with my selfish desires, but i have the One who can crush them all with a single glance, so i will ultimately be the victor no matter what the circumstance. as i grow and as i am tested and tried through and through, i will be sculpted to the image and likeness of what God has planned for me to be. even before i was conceived He called me by name and knew me. that is incredible..
love runs us.
i am broken at the moment.
i put all trust in God.. again.
there is nothing He can't fix.. and in His timing all things are perfect and lovely.
ysuolaej ym etah i |
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| exhale. |
[Jul. 12th, 2006|10:19 pm] |
my life is a humbling experience. when it comes to tough times i have been strong. it's when the little things creep in (that shouldn't matter at alllll) i fail miserably. i realize my life is not my own, so when you really get down to it.. it shouldn't even matter how i feel about anything, but how Christ in me feels. sadly, that has not been the case and through this life i will always battle the flesh and the desires in hovers over my head. i have no shoulder to cry on or a friend to carry me and set me back on my feet... except Him. i have friends who pull me through the rough times and friends that would hold me close, but.. not within an arms length. i am in my trial and i have my errors, but still God is using me and doing great things through me..
.... i don't understand it all and i'm not sure i want to. i just want to feel better. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2006|04:57 am] |
if this room were sealed shut
i would drown. |
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eilikrineia's journal