on a serious note

back to the ideals and patterns of a lunatic

2008-11-10T04:51:58Z

so i've been thinking for sometime... how could.. why did... how am i supposed to.... ahhhhhh
                     basically, im stuck.
so life throws you curves, and loops, and halts, and ups, and detours, and most definitely downs... how great. eventually you buy into the scheme that seems to be "life" and no longer seek the things that really move you. the one thing you held closest, flies away.. far far away and never looks back... or looks back but wont let you know that. either way, it doesnt matter. you know what you need to do, but your frail. weak. the one thing vowed to never become has now enveloped you and has become. love is a fleeting feel that once was so familiar, or so you thought. everything is cold. everything is so cold.
                                                                                  have you ever thought of ruining someone's life?.. i mean, really dwelt on it?? it's never                      made                 sense to me, but it's starting to grow. why not end the pain of your reality? why not? because we never know what's next. the next card played could be the make or break. you'll never know. quitters cant be winners, but losers can be winners. life is waiting for me to give up and start my miserable trek to the grave.... im not ready for that.. even when i throw myself upon the rock, i still have one hand ready to fight back. im stubborn? misled? a warrior, broken and bruised..? yes, definitely broken. broken and aching.. constant struggle against emotions and feelings of an off beat heart.
God pull me back into union with You. erase my past and bring me to where you are. all i need, all i want, all of me, has to be Your's. take it all away. put a violent end to my desires. break me.

oh God spare Your judgement on me.. for i am vile and without cause, if not for You.

haha i just read a post from last.. march? i think

2008-08-19T23:20:17Z

and i feel SO much better! hahaha

depression is a disease and im not giving in. UNIVERSAL on saturday! who's in?!... lol like i have a lot of friends added to this lj anyways, haha... wow

i'll be happy n matter what. eat it.

first entry in 59 weeks...

2008-08-19T22:54:32Z

or at least that's what lj says..

whatever.

today is different. i havent quite felt this way in a long time.. it's probably just a fleeting feeling. no, it's not, it's a constant oppression that is suppressed now and again. listening to damien rice probably doesnt help ha.

so im going to start training in mma. i need to do something productive and i think i'm going to be really natural at muay thai and brazilian jiu jitsu. so here i am.. on to the next feat.........

and i still cant forget you.

awesome... :[

eilikrineia @ 2007-06-30T22:18:00

2007-07-01T02:20:10Z

i need a better way to vent.

eilikrineia @ 2007-04-14T22:57:00

2007-04-15T03:13:44Z

met·a·mor·pho·sis (mĕt'ə-môr'fə-sĭs)
n., pl. -ses (-sēz').

~~A transformation, as by magic or sorcery.~~
A marked change in appearance, character, condition, or function.
Biology. A change in the form and often habits of an animal during normal development after the embryonic stage. Metamorphosis includes, in insects, the transformation of a maggot into an adult fly and a caterpillar into a butterfly and, in amphibians, the changing of a tadpole into a frog.
Pathology. A usually degenerative change in the structure of a particular body tissue.

normally an insect goes through this process once in it's lifetime... i seem to participate in this phenomenon daily.

Fall on your knees and know that He is the Lord!

2007-03-22T10:23:59Z

For all of my short comings and wrong doings, I pray for Your forgiveness. For every time I heard Your call, and turned my back, I thank You for Your undying mercy. For all You've done for me, I lift my voice and I'll sing to You until my days are up. For every breath, I know, is from You. Forever, be on the foreground of my mind. Let me not fall by the wayside, but let me be glad when I put my feet to walk the path You have paved for me. Let me not get caught up in a world full of false hope and ignorance of Your great name, that is above and beyond all of which we understand. For I am unworthy and counted for as lowly, in all I have done against You. I have made You an inactive religion and have questioned Your ways. I have spoke with my tongue, as a double-edged sword, and have cut down those around me. I have trusted in my own strength and have been crushed by my adversaries. It has been a never ending struggle between not only what is right and wrong, but what is selfish and what is selfless. But You have made a way where there has been no other! You have shined a light in the darkness of my soul! You have reached down when I had been utterly destroyed and You placed hope and a new desire for Your Word, in my heart. I have been accounted for as an heir of God Almighty, Creator of All, and Savior to those who accept. I willingly take up my cross and follow after You. For all that You've done for me, it is the very least I can do! I will seek You in the morning and I will choose to walk in Your ways. God, strengthen my heart and bind my will to Your Word so that I might not fail You. I will gladly give my life for the cause of Christ, Your Son, and I will believe what Your Word says so I that I may rest with You eternally. I give You all of my praise and worship, let every good and just and right thing be given to glory for Your Name! Your Word gives life and Your mercies are new every morning, blessed be Your name through out all generations, Amen.

eilikrineia @ 2006-09-25T01:09:00

2006-09-25T05:18:40Z

i've learned that when life seems up, hold on tight and get ready for the shit to hit.. because it will, and it does, and it did. i keep telling myself it'll be okay, and then i open my eyes and fall back down to the rock i was lifeless on 5 minutes before. i just want to scream, but that doesnt solve anything. nothing solves anything. only one thing, but right now i feel distant from the answer. sucks.

eilikrineia @ 2006-09-19T20:39:00

2006-09-20T00:45:38Z

the weight changes, priorities shift, people move, or they die, or they change into someone you can't relate to anymore, people's hearts break, depression runs some, fear steers others, pride drives the successful mad, music moves those who have explored somewhat of their innermost feelings, some try to help people, others try to hurt... most of what i wrote brings pain. all of those actions were first motivated by trying to find a way to be happy or comfortable and they are driven into some of those things i listed.

why is it that when someone forsakes all they have and all of what they are, that the seemingly small things hurt just as much if not more than some of the more tragic cases. there is always a deep longing to find love in all of our souls and if we can humble ourselves and bring ourselves off of the platform we feel we need to fit on, then we can find freedom. if we seek knowledge, it will be at our fingertips. if we actually took time and numbered our days, apposed to trying to speed to the end with whatever it may be that satisfies you temporarily: friends, drugs, music, fashion, art, vanity, sex, desires, or all of the above + a million more i don't feel like writing at the moment... then maybe we could open our eyes to the bigger picture, a new understanding of life and what it is meant to be, instead of leeching to a trend or a fading hobby.

"do whatever feels right in your heart..." is that a true statement? i mean, should i really do whatever my heart thinks is right?.. if it was my original nature, my selfish desires that formerly consumed my being, then no. however, i have been reborn, i am a new creation. my motives have changed. i will not always be right and i will struggle with my selfish desires, but i have the One who can crush them all with a single glance, so i will ultimately be the victor no matter what the circumstance. as i grow and as i am tested and tried through and through, i will be sculpted to the image and likeness of what God has planned for me to be. even before i was conceived He called me by name and knew me. that is incredible..

love runs us.
i am broken at the moment.
i put all trust in God.. again.
there is nothing He can't fix.. and in His timing all things are perfect and lovely.

ysuolaej ym etah i

exhale.

2006-07-13T02:29:08Z

my life is a humbling experience. when it comes to tough times i have been strong. it's when the little things creep in (that shouldn't matter at alllll) i fail miserably. i realize my life is not my own, so when you really get down to it.. it shouldn't even matter how i feel about anything, but how Christ in me feels. sadly, that has not been the case and through this life i will always battle the flesh and the desires in hovers over my head. i have no shoulder to cry on or a friend to carry me and set me back on my feet... except Him. i have friends who pull me through the rough times and friends that would hold me close, but.. not within an arms length. i am in my trial and i have my errors, but still God is using me and doing great things through me..

.... i don't understand it all and i'm not sure i want to. i just want to feel better.

eilikrineia @ 2006-06-25T04:57:00

2006-06-25T08:59:29Z

if this room were sealed shut
i would drown.

eilikrineia @ 2006-06-16T01:39:00

2006-06-16T05:55:34Z

..it's like the pearl of great price. pastor steve always talks about it, but now i apply that concept to different areas of my life. why settle for anything less. it makes me sick seeing people falling into ruts and getting stuck there, missing their call and watching someone else fill it. the man who asked Jesus, "what must i do to enter the kingdom of heaven", wouldnt give up his earthly desires. before, i couldn't do that.. now, since i have lived away from home for over a year, i can.. and i have. i have laid it all down and have gained sooo much. still, i feel incomplete. whatever seems to happen, God always sustains me. He is always faithful. i have been tested. isolated. gone through and overcome depression (by the grace of God), given hope, been hopeless, then given hope again. i have graduated school.. that pisses me off almost.... time is leaving me so quickly. i sometimes wonder if that is a good thing or not though. i feel incomplete. God knows this.. and still, He has me waiting. growing. learning.. in all areas. still, i feel i am incomplete.

still, i feel i am incomplete.

today was refreshing

2006-06-04T02:02:15Z

first, i got woken up by a clown... that sucked.. but it was new. he wasn't in the makeup and all, but never-the-less, he was/is a clown. then i got online and talked to a friend, then went to the bathroom to get ready. we were going to the beach.. south beach, i thought. i was excited until they told me we were going to a different beach this time. the place we arrived at cost $4 and sucked unbelievably bad! it was this salt/brackish/polutted pond that little ghetto children and families were wading in. the sand had rocks in it and there was trash here and there scattered in areas. there were 4 lifeguards on duty, who almost seemed pointless since you could probably walk across the still body of water without even swimming. then we tried playing volleyball but i felt i was going to pass out from heat exhaustion.. we left. we swam in the pool at stevie and michelle's appartment the rest of the day. i got sun, i'm happy :). then i got home and got to talk to a friend whom i haven't actually talked to in a while. then i went to church. i go to a spanish church now, since the english one is boring and i dont really care for the pastor of it and how he teaches/what he teaches. anyways, the worship tonight was AWESOME!! people were jumping around and letting lose, the spirit of God filled the sanctuary, it was sooo refreshing! the service was really good, too.. from what i could understand and gather into a conclusion. i had some friends helping me understand as well. then one of my friends, after worship, said he had a testimony.... then in front of the entire church, he confessed his love for his girfriend, and asked her to marry him! she said yes and everyone was in awe of the beauty of his proposal. he started crying and so did she, it was beautiful. then his dad and her mom came up and spoke words of encouragement and blessing into their lives.

..then i asked God to bless me as He did him, and give me a beautiful wife that i could confess my undying love for.

this song is up for discussion.. anything is good to hear, thanks.

2006-05-03T13:52:20Z

into.the.sea

i have fallen down, into the sea
into the eyes that look me over
and now, i can barely swim... another

another step, another weight
has been tied upon my shoulders
and how?..i simply cannot say

i love you

all of the green lights, were painted red
they have stopped me on my way to
see you, or i'd of been here sooner...

how i need you
now i need you

off your arms like thread, i fell
your burden, lifted
i tried so hard
it's not my call
your heart has shifted
and off your arms like thread, i fell
down, down, down
down, down, down

i have fallen down, into the sea
into the eyes that look me over
and now, i can barely swim... another

another step, another weight
has been tied upon my shoulders
and how?..i simply cannot say

all of the green lights, were painted red
they have stopped me on my way to
see you, or i'd of been here sooner... but

i have fallen down, into the sea
into the eyes that look me over...

this will be the 1st song of my acoustic/experimental project that i have music for. soon, i'll have it up on myspace somewhat soon..i'll keep you posted. as soon as i have music up i'll put the address on here also. any feed back is welcome, thanks.

eilikrineia @ 2006-04-19T17:06:00

2006-04-19T21:14:41Z

the more i try the farther from you i fall. so should i remain still?

eilikrineia @ 2006-02-25T15:57:00

2006-02-25T21:06:36Z

i am the headless soldier.
not sure of where i am going and not sure of what the fight is against
or when the fight will be over
i lay down my life, i offer all that i am
they can't stop me until my fight is over
i can't stop fighting for that is my reason to live
headless
without a clue of where i am and why i'm here
i know i was made for a reason
this is only a season..
soon i will find my head.

..then, watch out :)

hoods for sorrows

2006-02-11T09:18:47Z

brazen altars torn before your feet
the legends come fortold
take what you wish, spare no one
is there one worth your effort or time?
give me the honors
give me a chance to be bold
pride will surely rise to my head
and i shall soar away

so many times i have seen people act this way. let me not be one that thinks i am so much better than someone else, or so great that i can judge others i may feel are scum. we are all the same and the only hope of glory in us is Christ. ALL ELSE IS VAIN and grasping for the wind..

so deny yourself this paradise
your treasure once lied within
but now you made your glory shown to all men
so you have your riches in this land
and in this land it shall stay
along with you night and day
and when the destruction of your body comes
your riches will stay and you shall pay
farewell, there are no more days
your debt is eternal

so many times i have seen people live this way. let me not be one that thinks that the accumulative wealth of all i have judges my success in life! i want to experience You and be humble! my treasure is in Heaven. ALL ELSE IS VAIN and grasping for the wind.

and throw up your hoods and live in sorrow and shame
live like tomorrow will not come again
mess up your lives because you aren't worth a thing
no one loves you, you suck at life
you can't hold a job
you're parents hate you
your friends use you
you aren't good enough
you're a nobody

so many times i have seen people live this way. it hurts so bad to know that i consider you friends.. i loved you all so much, but it was never enough. so now i will give up on you? no. "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that WHOSOEVER believes in Him shall not perish, but have everylasting life." He didn't give up on me so i won't give up on you. i will always be someone you can come to. even when life itself has turned on you from all angles.. when you find reality give me a call. for anything that is not the real deal is not going to last and you will find your dead end. drugs, fornification, selfishness, lust, pride, stealing, lying, self pity, hate, bitterness, and so many more are ALL VAIN. we need to get over ourselves and understand that we all have a purpose and that we all need to love one another.. but we can't love one another if we don't love ourself.

oh, and heads up.. YOU CAN'T GRAB THE WIND.

three men walking.

2006-01-09T06:49:04Z

3 men were walking. #2 is deathly ill.

man 1: i'm walking to the Great Healer. but you have to walk in the grass to follow me. #2 you coming?
man 2: yeah, sure.
man 3: i'm going in search of splendor and treasure, im going to find a paradise. but you have to walk in the dirt to get there. #2 you coming?
man 2: yeah.. sure.
(man 2 searches for a few seconds before finding a path of partial dirt, partial grass, where the 2 divided)
man 2: ah ha! i've found a path! i can walk in the grass and the dirt at the same time. now i can walk with both of you, get my healing, and have all the fun that #3's road can offer as well!
[they pull ahead to a fork in the road a few yards off.. the dirt and grass are seperated by a stream of water that got wider as they looked on..]
man 1: we must turn right to find the destination of the Great Healer, only there will you find your life retainable.
man 3: i'm turning left.. i'm having fun. don't waste your time trying to find the Great Healer! how do you know He even exists?!.. come with me, i've been to this paradise of pleasure and riches, it will be enough of a fix to hold you through until you die.
(man 2 looks baffled)
man 2: where am i supposed to go?? i know i should go with you #1, but #3 has so much to offer me along his path.
man 1: does he?.. how much is your life worth to you?

really... how much is a single life worth to you? or better yet how much is your own life worth to you?? do you really need a fix that is going to let you down in the morning. or would you much rather have an eternal fix that passes all understanding, all euphoria you could ever dream of.

get real with yourself.
don't hide behind friends.
get real.

eilikrineia @ 2006-01-07T01:58:00

2006-01-07T07:15:47Z

conversation/////////////

brain: wtf you dumb*** i told you.
heart?: yeah.. i already knew.
brain: then what the hell, get over it already.
(long pause as sanity enters the room)
heart?: it's not so simple.
brain: explain.
heart?: no.
sanity: worry about yourself. look what has happened to all your friends.. and you worried yourself sick for them. do you think making yourself miserable will help them?? no. of course not. just as it wont help you now.
brain: exactly.
heart?: but... well.. maybe you're right, but even if you are right i can't..
(wisdom enters the room)
wisdom: stop.
[[all conversation dims]]
wisdom: there is no need to worry yourself to the point of depression.. praying and worrying are 2 totally seperate/different things. let all you cares/fears go and let the people... all of the people, you worry about go through their trials. pray, that's all. pray.
heart!: thank you
(brain dissapears and sanity rests)
heart!: then i will hope. i will hope God brings me the most perfect girl to me, in all the world, and i will live the way i know is right and i will be happy.
self:.. wwweeeeeeiiirrrrrrrdddddddddd!!!!!!!!!!! i just thought all this up spontaneously?! haha, i'm going crazy....

my life seems....

2005-12-04T02:17:45Z

like a puzzle piece that someone has been chewing on. i can faintly tell where i belong. the area revealed by the progress so far seems beautiful.. but then there are these tattered ends that i can't fit on my own. i feel sure of the direction i need to go, but there is always a tug of doubt. i know i won't remain this way forever, i know there is a place i need to fit into... but as for now i will try my best to lay into the Master's hand and surrender myself to where he has me.. in the box.. or sometimes it seems that's where i am, but i know that is just my flesh rising. my selfish, depressing, angry counterpart that strives to bring me down. in this moment, i am re-eassured i am in the right place at the exact timing He desires. there are always hard times... but the ability to press on makes us who we are, and i am more than a conquerer. helpless with one functioning arm, i know of One who can use me in my weakness to be great in times of peril. you're either with me or against me.

i'm typing with one hand so i had a lot more time to think as i wrote. my problem seemed to solve itself, simply by... by something. i dunno how, i just know to thank God.

this is the way to live?

2005-11-27T06:44:21Z

i think.. i'm not sure... but i think, i'm supposed to feel like this. maybe this is what i needed. now is the right timing. you never understand how much you love something until you can't have it, and that is the truth. i've stepped upon the new surface of a new world, an understanding i have not yet experienced. i am even typing this left handed because the doctor thinks my hand is fractured... i go to the orthopedic surgeon tomorrow for more evaluation. my hands are my career, in all aspects. i'm thinking totally random.. maybe that's because i am totally random? why do i do the things i hate? why do i act the way i do when i know i could be so much better with less effort??... in your eyes.. maybe? maybe in my imagination. reality is, i'm not getting depressed, i just enjoy spilling my thoughts and then reflecting. stabbing yourself in the heart might make you kool or famous to some, but why end the ever growing learning and observation made by yourself?.. it's because you can't understand pain and fear and isolation, you don't seem to see the test's written in front of you in black and white. "i can read the blueprint, why can't you even see where it lays?" is what i would like to ask some i observe. don't even try to understand who or what i'm talking about, but use the vision you have inside yourself and read between the lines. this might all just be craziness, but at least i'm getting it out and it's not trapped within.

i have no clue what i just wrote or what i meant by any of this. i just started typing and now am ending with a period.

a letter to self.

2005-10-30T06:11:55Z

and it came upon the time of the great timber to fall, and from the death of the mighty tree sprang up new life. this pathetic looking small weed of a tree will soon be more magnificent than the last.. and so new hope is for the fallen, for he sees he has become a new creation and that of the new life is growing within his decomposure, thus aiding the growth of new life.

this is life. don't build up a name for yourself that will hurt when it falls.. because it will fall and someone's going to get hurt, more than likely you. a selfless name is a perfect plan. build up others around you and live for just reasons. the Bible says that the better is knowledge and understanding than all the riches of the world. i yearn for wisdom, and from that comes knowledge and understanding. life is too short not to live it, but be sure to live it in a way to ensure life itself. live for the right reasons, we are all worth more than we can even perceive. don't waste time. i love love and all the wonders it holds. i love trust and hope to grow in that... and am growing in that. God i love you, keep me from wallowing in self pity and depression, keep me steadfast to you.

what's the point?

2005-09-25T00:29:01Z

i'm on my last lap, but i don't see the finish line. my vision is getting blurry and i am crumbling. disaster and destruction is what i feel set up for.. but why? why do i feel like everything i do doesn't mean much anymore. maybe, because i have been stripped of everything, i have been fully exposed and i'm totally unprepared. the few people i would pour my heart out to are miles out of reach.. i can't keep driving my car back and forth from miami like i am.. it's too old. the one person that i REALLY want to talk to, i don't even think realizes i'm even alive anymore. everything here sucks. i have no one. the church here is so dead it's pathetic, the worship is like back from the 80's and they only play like the same 7 songs everytime. i feel dead.. spiritually, emotionally, and almost physically. i can see character growth and changes, but what use is that when you have no one to talk to or nothing to do?! it's hard for me to even wake up out of bed.. we have been practicing like every single day, all day long, trying to get ready for israel. we even practiced today, and it's saturday!.. the only thing that keeps me with a good attitude is the fact that we are going to israel again this year and i love the people over there with all of my heart. my whole life since i have moved down here, has been one huge blurred day. i hate it.

hi, i'm Jared and i am failing at life. . . . . . . *beeeeeeeeeeeppppp*

the beginning of eilikrineia

2005-09-01T03:23:38Z

eilikrineia

literally means "judged by sunlight"
eilikrineia is transparent honesty, genuine purity, manifested clarity, and unsullied innocence. it describes one who does not fear thorough examination of his motives and intents because he has nothing to hide.

nothing to prove.
nothing to hide.
everything to lose.

this is the beginning....